Two years ago today I began what was meant to be a 3-week cleanse: no dairy, gluten or alcohol for 21 days. I was struggling with acne and willing to try just about anything to see if I could improve my skin without harsh drugs. The idea of going nearly a month without pizza, bread or yogurt sounded tough, but giving up alcohol for that length of time seemed particularly daunting.
I wasn’t what I thought of as a drunk – someone who craved alcohol in the mornings or had to crack a beer at the end of a long workday. My drinking style was more sporadic and in some ways more insidious, camouflaged amid friends with similar tastes. Living in the Virgin Islands we even had a saying, “there’s no town drunk, we all take turns.” It was true. I didn’t drink every single day, but the problem was that when I drank, I drank to black out. I didn’t see the point in drinking unless it was for a buzz. Once I had a buzz, I didn’t see any point in stopping.
I would wake up in the morning with that horrible pit in my stomach, knowing that I had embarrassed myself. It might take the entire next day to piece together the full extent of my misconduct; spending more mornings than I care to count paying open tabs at the local bars, collecting credit cards, my cell phone and other personal items left behind like breadcrumbs. If my embarrassment was bad enough, there was always happy hour at 3pm to erase that voice in my head making me feel like complete shit.
You know how people sometimes say that you’re more “real” when you’re drunk? They like to suggest that when your inhibitions are lowered, your true colors come out. I call bullshit! When I was drunk I became a completely different person. My drunken alter ego was so defined she even had her own name: Jazmyn Gilloogenheimer. That’s a real thing. She was playful, sassy, outspoken, fun-loving, rude, loud, happy, emotional, and obnoxious all wrapped into one. Her hobbies included karaoke, shots, dancing and more shots. Fun fact: after my first year of sobriety I bought a car with all the money I saved from not drinking; I affectionately named her “Jazmyn”.
My cleanse ended on St Patrick’s Day (historically one of my favorite drinking holidays) but during my three weeks of sobriety something had changed. My head was clear, my memory was sharp and I just felt incredibly healthy. I wrote more about these feelings in my article celebrating one year of sobriety. The bottom line is that I decided I would not have a drink that St Patty’s Day; in fact, I decided I wouldn’t have a drink again until I really craved one. Two years later, I’ve yet to experience a craving that has overpowered the pride and happiness I feel every time I turn a drink down.
My mom (who has now been sober for more than 20 years) always tells it like this, “I didn’t get into trouble every time that I drank, but every time I got into trouble I was drunk.” I don’t know if I can put it any better than that. Sure, I had nights out that were undeniably awesome. Countless dance parties, late night talks, and Disney song sing-alongs, but drinking alcohol also led to some really poor decisions. I am so thankful that I decided to stop before anything really bad happened.
My thoughts on Alcoholics Anonymous:
I definitely don’t want to bash on a program that saves so many lives. I admire its power, and sometimes I wish that I could have taken to it, but unfortunately this program did not speak to me the way it does to so many others. I decided to go to my first AA meeting when I was already 11 months sober and living in Maui. When I said my name and talked about my sobriety people were visibly shocked. I was pounced on after the meeting with a list of phone numbers and kind words from women who told me that I was very lucky to have ended up in this room because there was no chance I could maintain my sobriety without them.
I felt the love, but I wasn’t totally sold. While I had been viewing myself as a total badass for the self-discipline, determination and hard work it took to get where I was – these people took no personal credit for their triumphs in getting sober. They all seemed to believe that “the program” was responsible for their sobriety and they were merely bystanders in their own lives.
After attending approximately 30 meetings, getting a sponsor and beginning to work the steps, I decided that the program didn’t work with the way that I felt. The very first step is to admit that we are powerless over alcohol – I couldn’t just sign on to that! I wasn’t feeling powerless; I had never felt more powerful in my life! My sponsor made me concede to the fact that I was powerless over my consumption after I already had a nice buzz. Clearly, I had nipped that one in the bud by not drinking. Something just wasn’t adding up for me.
While I do see the merit in joining together as a community to support one another, and I do believe that some of the steps would be a good idea for EVERYBODY to work through, the rigid structure of the program was not a good fit. Perhaps if I had joined in the beginning of my sobriety it would have been helpful to be surrounded by other likeminded people, but by 11 months I had already made peace with the fact that my friends drink and I don’t.
If you’re reading this and you’re a member of AA you’re probably gasping at the blasphemy or thinking that I’ll never make it without the program. This type of dogmatic attitude, “either you’re with us, or you’ll fail,” is a huge part of why I can’t be in the program. While there are many things that I’ve learned from the big book and the twelve steps, there are also quite a few aspects that turn me off. Like many milennials who are ditching organized religion and embracing personal spirituality, I decided to ditch AA and embrace my own sobriety.
So what’s it like being sober for TWO YEARS?
It’s beyond incredible. In the past two years I have accomplished so many of my lifelong dreams! I sailed across the Atlantic Ocean and spent a summer in the Mediterranean. I moved to Hawaii to work on sailboats during the humpback whale season. I travelled to St Maarten, Antigua, Puerto Rico, Spain, Greece, Thailand, the Philippines, Costa Rica and China. Sure, I always had an adventurous spirit, but it’s no coincidence that the more time I spend living sober, the better my life gets. It seems kind of fitting that on my two year anniversary without booze, I also began my very first day of Gracie Jiu Jitsu training as part of a three month full-immersion course in Dali, China. This is definitely not something that Jazmyn would have signed up for!
Quitting alcohol is probably the accomplishment that I am most proud of in my life, but it certainly didn’t solve everything. I still have bad days, I still have problems and I’m even still struggling with acne. The difference is that the problems I now face are manageable, less dramatic and comparatively scarce. I think the biggest change from the first year of sobriety to the second was becoming extremely comfortable and confident in my new life. I really don’t spend much time thinking about drinking or sobriety, and I no longer feel superior or judge others who drink too much. I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, supportive boyfriend who drinks normally (by the way he took some of the above photos, he’s good at that). My life just seems to be on a very even keel: happy, healthy and increasingly awesome.
There are plenty of people who can have one or two beers and be happy; that just wasn’t me. If my style of drinking resonates with you and you’re thinking about giving it a rest, I can’t recommend it enough. Try a three week cleanse. Read the book The Easy Way to Control Alcohol by Allen Carr, and see how you feel. If you have any questions or would like more resources, please leave a comment below!
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Rajnesh Sharma on February 25, 2016 at 10:13
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Good job, Liz!
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Thanks Raj!! Hope all is well.
7GOOD FOR YOU,CAPT.LIZ!!! I HAD CANCER BACK IN 07 AND IT GOT MY ATTENTION, AFTER MANY YEARS OF DRINKING LIKE A FISH,WHILE WORKING ROCK &ROLL,IT WAS A WAY OF LIFE, I JUST AWAKENED ONE MORNING, AND TOLD MY ROOMIES I’M DONE DRINKING, AND THEY SAID YA SURE MIKIE, YA SURE. BUT I DID!! BEST THING I’VE EVER DONE FOR MYSELF!!! SO MANY KUDO’S FOR YOU CAPT. LIZ EEEEFRIGIN HA!!!!!!! A FRIEND IN SOBER LIFE FOREVER,M.J. SWIFT [MY STAGE NAME]
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Michael, thank you so much for reading this! We are the lucky ones 🙂
Great job and you should be very proud! The universe is smiling!
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Thank you Dmitri! The universe has certainly been good to me.
Congrats to you Lizzy! I’m so proud of you!! Go girl! XO
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Thanks Eileen! XOXO
29 years sober because I just didn’t want to drink any more either, funnily enough my Mum was and alcoholic and so was my Grandmother, I wanted to break the train for my kids. AA is awesome but it didn’t work for me either, never tried it.
If you want to quit smoking The Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Alan Carr worked for a bunch of my friends.
Congratulations on 2 years sober, keep on enjoying your life and ignore the
“Oh come on,just one drink won’t hurt you” crew!!
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Pat, I used the Easy Way to Quit Smoking 3 years ago!! It really worked for me. Thanks so much for the kind words!
Hi Liz,
Just found your blog. I’m really impressed. Beautiful writing.
Francie
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Francie – thank you so much for checking this out! It really means a lot to me 🙂
Well done and well said !
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Thank you Liana! Love you!
well, Capt. Liz, I have to say that being sober for 2 years is not something to be proud of. you swung the pendulum too far in one direction, and now you have swung it too far in the other direction. there is a middle ground that is far better. so what you’re saying is that you can’t enjoy a nice Bordeaux or Cab, or the many new and wonderful IPAs or Porters? I just don’t see why that’s a good thing. I have worked many years in the Caribbean on sailboats, (and 3 circumnavigations, also) so I do know where you’ve been at, and I also have enjoyed nights at Foxy’s, Stanleys, Rhymers, Shirley Heights, the Adz, etc. (you know the places!). but, the difference is that when the drinks pile up on the table, bought by the guests, I never felt a need to finish them all. I sip slowly, enjoy the music, the dancing, etc. I drink for the taste, not to get slammed. I have heard your story many times by other people, and I just don’t see what’s the big deal. (and as far as no dairy, that’s just absurd! I can’t imagine going through life without ice cream or cheese. and I mean real cheese, not Kraft American singles!) enjoy everything that life offers, but always in moderation!
You’re a dumb human.
Hey bob wallace. good for you that you can’t relate to this article, but for the millions of people who can… thank you Liz. Your words have inspired many. Knowing when you are in an unhealthy relationship (whether it be with a person place or thing) is incredibly powerful. Yes, sobriety is something to be proud of and I congratulate you LIz!
So proud and simply amazed by you!! We have come a LONG way, and your journey has made you everything you are – a wonderful person, a best friend and the greatest aunt! Love you!
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Thank you Bridget!! I think we have BOTH come a long way, so proud of you – the most badass momma I know! 🙂
Great write up…I too walked away from the drinking game a couple years after school. But on RARE occasions I have 1.
It used to completely baffle my friends when we went out. But chasing the bottom of a pint became trite as I craved the opportunity to catch up with them and get lost in meaningful conversations.
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It’s so true – I still love going out with friends and I enjoy making conversation over making myself look like a fool! 😉 Thanks for sharing Edde.
well done, Liz 😀
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Thanks Karen!! 🙂
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This is an awesome post and what a great story and journey. I am so glad to have come across your story today. I love the style of writing as it is like a friend you have not seen in a while talking directly to you telling a story. Great job on your accomplishment!
I stumbled on your blog via Twitter expecting it to be another typical website that is geared towards self-promotion.
But, I’m very pleasantly surprised.
I really enjoyed reading this nuanced article.
I’m often a heavy drinker & recognize many of the experiences that you talk about.
Keep up the good work.
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Oliver, thank you so much for your kind words. I do my best to keep it real! 🙂 If you ever want to chat about sobriety I’m always happy to talk. You can email me at liz@moxieandepoxy.com
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Sid Madge on November 28, 2016 at 09:05
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A true inspiration Liz. It always amazes me that we can be so destructive in what we do to ourselves, but how simple the solution is. However, the resolve and willpower needed is immense. A wonderful journey, thank you.
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Sid, thank you for your kind words. I am coming up on 3 years in February! Couldn’t be happier with my personal decisions and at this point the willpower and resolve are things I don’t even think about anymore! 😉 Life is good.
Congrats on your 2 years Liz 😉 We also have a saying in AA–“to thine own self be true”…and “Whatever works”…I just turned 17 years sober and the program works for me–because it turned me onto my Higher Power–so whatever works for YOU, is GREAT and I hope that you continue the road of “Happy Destiny”!!! <3
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Thank you so much! Coming up on 3 years in February. My mom is a huge fan of AA – she has over 20 years, I just think that for people in my age group we need to revitalize it and come up with something a little more accessible. I have been talking with people about this recently so maybe we will do something about it!
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I can relate to this so much, or rather, I’m looking forward to!
Drinking was never a problem exactly, but like Jazmyn, tipsy Caroline never wanted to stop drinking and she was also a bit of a dick.
I stopped drinking about 4 months ago. I was studying yoga in rishikesh, India. Alcohol is illegal there so when we went out it was all about the chai. But it was fantastic! I had so much more fun and meaningful conversations with people, plus I felt healthier.
I read a book based on the Allen Carr one I think and it completely solidified my resolve to not drink anymore. Just lost the desire.
I’m back home in London now and I’ve already been invited to a bottomless (proseco) birthday brunch… Might be a bit harder when I’m not travelling :/
I hope I can be reflecting like you in 20months on 2 years sober.
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